6
Ways to Get in the Mood
How to break the no-sex rut and why it matters.
You're both tired. The kids are light sleepers. You're
not happy with your weight. You're stressed out over deadline pressures at
work. There are many reasons people in long-term relationships find themselves
reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of their partner's body
after the sun goes down.
But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate
relationship, and neglecting it can push the two of you further apart.
"When you're in a long-term relationship, you get
into a routine," says ob-gyn Renee Horowitz, founder of the Center for
Sexual Wellness in Michigan. "There's biological evidence that novel
experiences cause the release of dopamine in the brain." Dopamine is a
chemical messenger that affects the pleasure center in your brain. "That's
why it's so much easier," Horowitz says, "to get excited in a new
relationship -- everything is novel, and your brain responds accordingly."
Obviously, you can't switch partners every time the
excitement wanes. But you can change up some of the other factors. "Try a
different place, a different time, a different position," Horowitz says.
Have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower or in a different room in the
house.
All couples are tired at the end of a long day. And
it’s hard to have energy for romance by the time you get everyone to bed and
deal with chores. But that can be changed.
"You have to prioritize what's important,"
sex educator Sadie Allison, whose best-selling books include Ride ‘Em Cowgirl!
and Tickle Your Fancy says."Tired as you might be, it's OK to just make it
a quickie sometimes. Sex is so important to the overall health of your
relationship."
Instead of waiting until it's time to put out the
lights, take a break for a romantic encounter before you start the evening's
chores, Allison says. "Make space and time where you can escape and get
creative." She says it isn't going to happen spontaneously. "You have
to find the time and make a date."
If you haven't had sex for some time, a come-on from
your partner can feel very artificial and forced. It helps to reconnect in a
non-sexual way first, says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth. "If you
haven't had any kind of quality time together, you're not going to feel
sexual," she says.
Steinorth says it’s important to mix it up: Forgo the
old “dinner and a movie” cliché in favor of something new, and make it a
priority on your calendar. "Schedule time each week for date night. [Try
a] shared experience: biking, bowling, something silly. Plan a trip to the
farmer's market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Let it
become a habit," Steinorth says, "and you'll feel reconnected. The desire
will just grow from there."
A quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement once
you’ve reconnected. "When the relationship's alive like that, the
10-minute ‘let's sneak off and do it' quickie works great," Steinorth
says. "It's like your little secret and helps further build the bond
between you. But that bond has to be there in the first place
The
Solution: Focus on What You Do Like
Many of us have things we'd like to change about our
bodies. Maybe you never lost the baby weight, or you're not happy with how
you've stopped going to the gym.
Sometimes it's not that you're not feeling in the mood;
it's that your body isn't cooperating because sex is painful. This can be a big
issue for women approaching menopause, and you might be too embarrassed to tell
your partner.
"As we age," Horowitz says, "estrogen
levels decrease and this affects a lot of organs, including the vagina. When
tissues atrophy and thin out, losing some of their blood supply, intercourse
becomes more painful.”
Fortunately, there are remedies for painful sex. For
many patients, Horowitz prescribes a vaginal estrogen. Vaginal lubricants are
also available over-the-counter. But check with your doctor if the pain
continues. That way your doctor can rule out other, possibly more serious
conditions that might be causing it.
A dwindling libido may be more than just a sign of
aging. It may be a sign of another health problem. For example, depression,
anxiety, and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction. In
men, not being able to get an erection can be an early warning sign of diabetes
or heart disease. And some medications, including antidepressants and blood
pressure drugs, can lower your sex drive.
Behavioral issues can also interfere with your ability
to have sex. Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption can put a damper on
sexual response. Even the way you exercise can be a factor. For instance, too
much time on the bike can lead to problems in bed.
"Both men and women who are always on their spin
bike can have problems with orgasm and arousal," Horowitz says. That's
because the pressure put on the pudendal nerve and artery can decrease the
blood supply to that region.
There are remedies for these problems. Share your
concerns with your health care provider who can help you explore what
alternatives you have.
Also, make sure you're getting enough sleep. Feeling
well-rested can help.
No matter what the reason for your diminished desire,
getting back on track with your partner sexually is going to take some effort.
"Sex takes work and you have to focus on it just like everything in your
relationship," Horowitz says. "There isn't a magic pill."
Find out more here .
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