6 Ways to Get in the Mood
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How to break the no-sex rut and why it matters.
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You're both tired. The kids are light sleepers. You're not happy with
your weight. You're
stressed out over deadline pressures at work. There are many reasons people in
long-term relationships find themselves reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of
their partner's body after the sun goes down.
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But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate relationship, and
neglecting it can push the two of you further apart.
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18 Secrets Guys Wish You Knew
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Problem No. 1: Same Old, Same Old
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The Solution: Spice It Up
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"When you're in a long-term relationship, you get into a
routine," says ob-gyn Renee Horowitz, founder of the Center for Sexual
Wellness in Michigan. "There's biological evidence that novel experiences
cause the release of dopamine in thebrain." Dopamine is a chemical messenger
that affects the pleasure center in your brain. "That's why it's so much
easier," Horowitz says, "to get excited in a new relationship --
everything is novel, and your brain responds accordingly."
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Obviously, you can't switch partners every time the excitement wanes.
But you can change up some of the other factors. "Try a different place, a
different time, a different position," Horowitz says. Have a morning
quickie. Try sex in the shower or in a different room in the house.
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Problem No. 2: Too Much to Do, Too Tired
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The Solution: Take a Romantic Break
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All couples are tired at the end of a long day. And it’s hard to have
energy for romance by the time you get everyone to bed and deal with chores.
But that can be changed.
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"You have to prioritize what's important," sex educator Sadie
Allison, whose best-selling books include Ride ‘Em Cowgirl! and Tickle Your Fancy, says."Tired as you might be, it's OK to just make it a quickie sometimes.
Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship."
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Instead of waiting until it's time to put out the lights, take a break
for a romantic encounter before you start the evening's chores, Allison says.
"Make space and time where you can escape, and get creative." She
says it isn't going to happen spontaneously. "You have to find the time
and make a date."
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Problem No. 3: 'Who Are You?'
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The Solution: Rediscover Each Other -- Without
Pressure
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If you haven't had sex for some time, a come-on from your partner can
feel very artificial and forced. It helps to reconnect in a non-sexual way
first, says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth. "If you haven't had any
kind of quality time together, you're not going to feel sexual," she says.
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Steinorth says it’s important to mix it up: Forgo the old “dinner and a
movie” cliché in favor of something new, and make it a priority on your
calendar. "Schedule time each week for date night. [Try a] shared
experience: biking, bowling, something silly. Plan a trip to the farmer's
market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Let it become a
habit," Steinorth says, "and you'll feel reconnected. The desire will
just grow from there."
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A quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement once you’ve reconnected.
"When the relationship's alive like that, the 10-minute ‘let's sneak off
and do it' quickie works great," Steinorth says. "It's like your
little secret and helps further build the bond between you. But that bond has
to be there in the first place
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The Solution: Focus on What You Do Like
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Many of us have things we'd like to change about our bodies. Maybe
you never lost the baby weight, or you're not happy with how
you've stopped going to the gym.
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"Ultimately, low self-image comes down to not being in love
with yourself," Allison says. "And if you don't love yourself, you're
not going to share yourself with someone else. Short of therapy for poor
self-esteem, you can try finding things about yourself that you do like and
focus on those sexually."
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Or focus on your partner's body instead of your own. "What do
you love about the person you're with? What about his or her body arouses
you?" Allison asks. That way you can shift the focus from your own
insecurities to what makes being together fun.
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Problem No. 5: Sex Hurts
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The Solution: Don't Suffer in Silence
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Sometimes it's not that you're not feeling in the mood; it's that
your body isn't cooperating because sex is painful. This can be a big issue for
women approaching menopause, and you might be too embarrassed to tell your
partner.
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"As we age," Horowitz says, "estrogen levels
decrease, and this affects a lot of organs, including the vagina.
When tissues atrophy and thin out, losing some of their blood supply,
intercourse becomes more painful.”
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Fortunately, there are remedies for painful sex. For many
patients, Horowitz prescribes a vaginal estrogen. Vaginal lubricants are also
available over the counter. But check with your doctor if the pain continues.
That way your doctor can rule out other, possibly more serious conditions that
might be causing it.
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Problem No. 6: You're Still Not in the Mood
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The Solution: Find the Cause
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A dwindling libido may be more than just a sign of aging. It may
be a sign of another health problem. For example, depression, anxiety,
and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction. In men, not
being able to get an erection can be an early warning sign of diabetes or heart disease.
And some medications,
including antidepressants and blood pressure drugs, can lower your sex drive.
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Behavioral issues can also interfere with your ability to have
sex. Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption can
put a damper on sexual response. Even the way you exercise can be a factor. For
instance, too much time on the bike can lead to problems in bed.
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"Both men and women who are always on their spin bike can
have problems with orgasm and arousal," Horowitz says. That's because the
pressure put on the pudendal nerve and artery can decrease the blood supply to
that region.
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There are remedies for these problems. Share your concerns with
your health care provider, who can help you explore what alternatives you have
Problem No. 6: You're Still Not
in the Mood continued...
Also, make sure you're getting
enough sleep. Feeling well-rested can help.
No matter what the reason for
your diminished desire, getting back on track with your partner sexually is
going to take some effort. "Sex takes work, and you have to focus on it
just like everything in your relationship," Horowitz says. "There
isn't a magic pill."
Today’s tips
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