The honeymoon may be over, but that
doesn’t have to mean the end of romance. Go on, break out of your relationship
rut, reconnect with your partner, and fire up the passion that brought you
together in the first place.
Remember those fabulous qualities you
noticed in your partner when you started dating? Time and stress may have
brought their less-favorable traits into sharper focus, says psychologist
Elizabeth R. Lombardo, PhD. But their good qualities are probably still there.
Fixating on the negatives wouldn't
have worked in the beginning and it doesn't work now. "In marriage, it's
easy to freeze your partner into a fixed perception. Get out of that,"
says Sherrie Campbell, PhD. She is a marriage and family therapist in Yorba
Linda, Calif.
Make a list of what you fell in love
with and another list of good things you've discovered over time.
"Publicly brag about those amazing qualities your partner has,"
Campbell says. "Refrain from making him the brunt of a joke. Embrace his
positive qualities and let him know you've fully got his back."
One study found that couples who did
novel and arousing things together felt better about their relationships than
those who stuck with routine, mundane activities.
"It's amazing what getting out
of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your
love life,"
The trick is to pick something fun
and exciting, not just pleasant. Ride a roller coaster. Visit a far-flung
destination.
Another option is to get competitive,
suggests Rachel DeAlto, a communication and relationship expert in Point
Pleasant
"When you're physically
competing and experiencing new things together, those dopamine levels soar,
which replicates those early butterflies and gets you excited," she
says. Try one-on-one activities like tennis, racquetball, skiing, hiking, or
fishing.
"So many couples
hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the
desire to have sex," But that's a mistake. Researchers have found that
affectionate touch boosts the body's feel-good hormones.
Hug your partner.
Hold hands. Be playful with touch.
"Whisper sweet
and adoring things into your partner's ear. Brush against him in a sexually
seductive way," says Meyers. "Affection is a way to make love all day
outside of the bedroom."
Having fun during
sex, instead of doing it for obligation's sake, can stoke the fires of your
relationship. "Sex is the playground of a marriage," says Campbell.
"Fun doesn't have to mean you have to engage in sexual acrobatics; it just
means have fun."
Talk.
Do you spend a lot
of time trying read your partner’s mind? Limit the guess-work by being open and
honest; it can bring you closer. "Ask your partner what he or she needs
from you. Take turns. The goal is to show more and see more of each other,
rather than defend the status quo," says Meyers. The rewards run deep.
Great conversation often leads to more open, loving sex, she says.
Every discussion
doesn't have to be serious. Lighthearted laughter goes a long way in lifting
your spirits and reconnecting. Have fun. Crack a joke. Revel in the humor of a
situation together. "There is nothing sexier than a smile and a happy
partner," says Campbell.
Focus on you.
What fuels your
passion? Maybe it's having an exciting career or training for a half marathon.
No matter -- just get out and do it. When you love yourself and your life, you
bring more energy and interest into your relationship.
"Independence
and a sense of purpose are sexy," explains Campbell. When you take care of
your own needs and pursue what you're passionate about, you become less
predictable and more interesting to your partner.
It's a win-win
situation. You'll be more confident and peaceful as you keep evolving, and your
relationship will thrive.
Remember those
things you did when you were romancing your new love? Make a list and do them
again now, suggests Paul N. Weinberg. He is the co-author of The I
Factor: Simple Insights for Connecting in Your Personal Relationships.
"It could be as simple as a way you kissed your partner on the cheek or as
elaborate as the effort you put into a special date."
Identify your
relationship's strengths, then build on them, say Les Parrott, III, PhD, and
Leslie Parrott, EdD, husband-and-wife founders of the Center for Relationship
Development in Seattle. Know what works well in your relationship and do more
of it.
Finally, dream big.
Envision a future together than inspires you. Maybe it's a home bustling with a
big family or vacations to new, exotic places. Whatever your dream, you can
create a plan now to start making it happen
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