7
Solutions That Can Save a Relationship
Rocky road? Get your love life back on track.
It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps
in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship
problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.
Even though every
relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to
manage the bumps and keep their love life going, says marriage and family
therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround. They hang in there,
tackle problems, and learn how to work through the
complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by
reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling,
observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
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Anna is sitting in a New York café, sipping an English
Breakfast tea. Dressed in patterned tights and a black sweaterdress, the
20-something Smith College grad has auburn curls and big brown eyes. Pretty?
Yes. Sexy? Sure. Sex addict? No way. But she's currently being treated for sex
addiction, seeing a therapist once a week and attending daily support groups,
after an affair last year almost ruined her marriage and landed her in sex
rehab. "I always knew I focused too much on...
Are You a Sex Addict?
Relationship
Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication,
according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You
can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or
flipping through the sports section," she says.
Problem-solving
strategies:
Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg
says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to
bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
If you can't "communicate" without raising
your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where
you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your
partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..."
or "You never ...."
Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t
doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person
knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance,
say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more
chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the
other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're
a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he
or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship
Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch,
sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of
sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is
one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says,
"brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both
physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple
healthy."
Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each
of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California
psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more
scenarios that turn you both on.
If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved
on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you
both address and resolve your issues
Relationship
Problem: Money
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows
are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or
from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling
(NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have
a serious conversation about finances.
Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle.
Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of
you.
Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a
spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each
other's tendencies.
Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents,
including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance
policies, debts, and investments to the table.
Don't blame.
Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
Decide which person will be responsible for paying the
monthly bills.
Allow each person to have independence by setting aside
money to be spent at his or her discretion.
Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to
have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how
to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship
Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work outside the home and often at more
than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home,says Paulette
Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out.
Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in
the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who
does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.
Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate
housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes
housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be
creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both
of you.
Relationship
Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your
relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do."
"Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority," says
Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.
Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the
calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
Respect one another. Say "thank you," and
"I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter
Relationship
Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a
part of life, according to New York
based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your
partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie
Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day --
it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you
can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether
you react and how you react.
Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an
argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you
looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to
take a deep breath and change your strategy.
Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way
that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a
different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If
you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished
speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small
shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong.
Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
Relationship
Problem: Trust
Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see
certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have
unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?
Be consistent.
Be on time.
Do what you say you will do.
Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner
or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still
disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
Call when you say you will.
Call to say you'll be home late.
Carry your fair share of the workload.
Don't overreact when things go wrong.
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't dig up old wounds.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Don’t be jealous.
Be a good listener.
Even though there are always going to be problems in a
relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage
problems, if not avoid them altogether.
First, be realistic.
Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them
out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need
directly," she says.
Next, use humor
-- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.
Finally, be willing to work
on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think
that things would be better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the
same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and still cause
problems no matter what relationship you're in
Exercises
for Better Sex
To "keep your sex life awesome," exercise
physiologist Rich Weil suggests these top five "sexercises." Though
the following exercises are geared toward men, they also work great for women
who want a boost to their sex life.
Pushups. If you're going to pick just one exercise to
do, this is the one to go for, Weil says, "for all the obvious
reasons." If you can’t do basic training-quality pushups at first, start
with wall presses (essentially pushups done against the wall), aiming for 3
sets of 12 to 15 repetitions. When you're ready, progress to knee pushups on
the floor, making sure to keep your back straight (squeeze your butt and suck
in your gut) while you slowly touch your nose to the ground. Once you're ready
to kick it up a notch, progress to traditional hand-and-toe pushups.
For additional
ab oomph, Weil suggests men and women also do bridges. Lying on your back,
knees bent, feet on the floor, lift your hips up and down for 3 sets of 15
reps. Men can also try pelvic tilts. Standing up or lying down, straighten your
lower back and pull your belly button in until your lower back touches the wall
or floor. Women can try Kegels. Contract your pelvic muscles -- the ones you'd
use to stop the flow of urine; squeeze the muscles tight for 3 seconds, then
relax for 3 seconds. Do 10 to 15 repetitions three times a day.
Even More Tips for Better Sex
If pushups, crunches, and deadlifts aren't your idea of
a sweaty good time, you've still got plenty of exercise options to help keep
things steamy.
Pick your pleasure. Rather walk, swim, or jog? How
about Pilates or yoga? Maybe you prefer biking or skiing? Great, because Paul
Frediani, fitness coach and co-author of Sex Flex: The Way to Enhanced Intimacy
and Pleasure, says barring any health problems, cardiovascular exercise of any
kind is a great way to stimulate your sex life.
But you'll want to avoid the weekend warrior syndrome
to get the most bang for your exercise buck. Aim for a 30-minute workout five
times a week. Get your blood pumping regularly and the payoff is simple:
endurance, more strength to hold positions, and the flexibility to hold them in
comfort. Now that's sexy.
Bonus:
Better Erections
You may already be sold on the benefits of exercise,
but here's a bonus at no extra charge. Exercise may help beat erectile
dysfunction. One study showed that, for men over 50, being physically active
means a 30% lower risk of erectile dysfunction as compared to men who are
sedentary. Studies also show a strong link between obesity and ED.
In addition, people who exercise often have a better
body image than people who don't. This can help them feel more sexually
appealing. "One study found that 80% of men and 60% of females who
exercised two to three times a week felt their sexual desirability was above
average," Weil says.
Want to have sex like you're 20 years younger? Weil
cites a study that showed swimmers in their 60s have sex lives comparable to
people in their 40s. Other research found that, for men and women over 55, high
levels of sexual activity were associated with higher degrees of fitness when
compared to younger inactive people.
"Although there can be many factors to exercise
and sexual activity, what some studies suggest is that people who are fit and
active have more sex than sedentary people." The bottom line? "Being
strong and flexible with lots of endurance will put the spunk into sex for you
and your partner," Weil says.
And don't forget to develop the most important muscle
of all. "Sex begins with the muscle between the ears," says Frediani,
"not the muscles in your abs, arms, or thighs. If you feel healthy and
have a positive body image, you will
